The last straw

For the record, I'm starting this post at 2:30pm. 3 hours after my ex said he would come by to see his children for Christmas.
I extended an invitation after buying his gifts that he was able to come and be with the kids and celebrate with us. My middle son helped wrap everything and they were all so excited about him coming. I'm not bringing it up that he isn't here because I know they feel it. I catch them looking out the window for his car. I've played with all of their toys and been outside enjoying their company. I'll have a nice dinner with them, watch a movie, give baths (they'll need it), and try to escape tears of realization that daddy didn't come. I'll distract and change the subject. I'll hug and kiss them. That is all I can do. I spent years hearing this man complain about his "asshole" father who never was around, and yet, here we are. "My dad never cared about me and never came to see me at Christmas or my birthday or anything." hmmm, apple.... tree.... yada yada yada. Here's where I'll be turning a major curve in my feelings toward this man. Had he shown up and spent time, I probably would have missed him more, because there is nothing more attractive than a man caring for his children. On the other side of that coin, there is nothing more infuriating and disgusting than a man who ignores his children, especially on a holiday that he was welcomed to with open arms. I have no clue how he'll twist this into something that was my fault or my problem. It wasn't. I was more than happy to step away and allow him to enjoy Christmas day with his kids for a few hours. But to him, "it's just a day". Keep telling yourself that. It isn't just a day, I can remember Christmas's for years past, but I cannot remember a March 19th. I can't remember all of my birthdays. I remember Christmas and Thanksgiving. Both of which he's missed this year for his own selfish reasons.
This is where I tell myself, "he was always this way and you ignored it." He's always been selfish and I'm only seeing it now. I need to pull it together and address the things that make me angry and sad and let them go. I want to move forward and be happy and whole. And I'll be there for my kids because he most likely will not be.