4/30/16

Nothing makes you seriously debate your permanent sterelization options like bringing 3 children to the beach sans spouse. A girlfriend of mine and her two met us there but 5 kids (4 under age 4) and 2 adults is a lot of fucking work. It doesn't end there either. When you get home you have to wake everyone up from their car nap and hose them down and change clothing and wash towels. It is almost too much work. My favorite part of going to the beach is when they all fall asleep in the car and I go to Dunkin Donuts for a large iced coffee. Then I proceed to drive around Charleston looking at the homes for sale. Its the little things. Way back when, I would go to the beach with nothing more than a coffee, some smokes (judge away), a book, and a chair. Now I'm loaded down with so much shit I probably look like a contestant on The Amazing Race. These women sitting by us had a baby who looked to be about 10 months old and this baby TOOK A NAP IN THE PACK AND PLAY. Seriously, who are these people? My kid barely sleeps in her bed let alone a pack and play in a strange place. My kids have no chill. Am I using that phrase right? Hang on I'm googling it.... Well, according to Urban Dictionary its possible I have no chill...

WHATEVER, FUCK YOU URBAN DICTIONARY!

I'm going to have to curtail my verbal cursing. Yesterday would have been a good day to start.

Me: Middle man, where are you going?

MM: Uh, I hab to shit my pants... AWONE! 

Translation: I have to shit my pants... ALONE

Shit. Well at least he uses it right.

Quick poll: at what age is it appropriate to give the task of applying a kids own sunscreen to their face? I thought the answer was 8 (in 2 weeks) but J's face is looking like a piece of marble rye.... hopefully this is a learning experience for everyone involved.

4/29/16

I have got to get these sleeping arrangements under control. Every night is a crazed form of musical fucking chairs. We all start in our own beds (baby girl in her bed, middle man in his bed, and J never bothers anyone so he's really a shining star here) but by morning Hubs is in the other bed with middle man, and baby girl with me. If everyone could just chill the hell out and sleep alone I would be a whole new person. You know the type, someone with matching socks and who doesn't leave their keys in the fridge. Any advice on how to fix this is welcome but I'm considering going to a hotel and asking my mother in law to stay with these kids for a week. My God, that sounds great. I'd even stay at that hotel where they found dead hookers a few years ago. I'm sure the smell is gone by now. Even if it hasn't, who the hell cares? Speaking of which...
Middle man refuses to poop in the damn toilet all of a sudden. We were doing this awesome thing where he got a chocolate coin whenever he went. "Poop coins" we called them. Well apparently without poop coins we shit our pants. True story. 

Me: Hey man, why are you pooping your pull up?!?!?

MM: A'cuz, no mo poop toins.

I'm not sure how people survive more than 3 children. Fun fact: I was going to say 2 children then I realized the impending doom I would be putting onto myself and changed it.

I'll finish my first post by adding that it's Prince William and Princess Kate's 5th wedding anniversary. I cried on my couch and told J "that was supposed to be my husband!" He replied "but you love dad, right?" Yeah I guess. But, that love comes with sparkly things, trips all over the world, and nannies. I'll bet Kate's sleeping through the night and giving zero fucks about the status of George's potty training. I'll also bet she bids them "goodnight" while she drinks pinot noir on the royal couch and watches reruns of Seinfeld. Which is totally what I would do. 

A little background for you...

Back in 2006 I met this guy while I was waiting tables at a chinese food restaurant in Plymouth MA. By early 2007 he had me convinced to move to Charleston, SC with nothing but our tax returns and a dream. In 2008 our first son was born (I'll refer to him as J throughout this blog). In 2013 after much convincing, bribery and crying, we finally agreed to a second baby (Middle man or MM). After a vicious silent stand off about who would go though the pain and suffering of permanent birth control we had one last baby in 2015 (Baby Girl or BG). Times are tough and child care is expensive, so I quit my job at a call center to stay home with the kids. Its been almost a year now and I literally have nothing to show for it, except that everyone is still breathing. This blog is mostly a journal for how I'm coping with the craziness, one day at a time. You should be aware that my northern background makes me very sarcastic, and my southern surrounding have me blessing hearts inappropriately. Enjoy.

Look at us, all childfree, poor as shit, and happy