The last straw

For the record, I'm starting this post at 2:30pm. 3 hours after my ex said he would come by to see his children for Christmas.
I extended an invitation after buying his gifts that he was able to come and be with the kids and celebrate with us. My middle son helped wrap everything and they were all so excited about him coming. I'm not bringing it up that he isn't here because I know they feel it. I catch them looking out the window for his car. I've played with all of their toys and been outside enjoying their company. I'll have a nice dinner with them, watch a movie, give baths (they'll need it), and try to escape tears of realization that daddy didn't come. I'll distract and change the subject. I'll hug and kiss them. That is all I can do. I spent years hearing this man complain about his "asshole" father who never was around, and yet, here we are. "My dad never cared about me and never came to see me at Christmas or my birthday or anything." hmmm, apple.... tree.... yada yada yada. Here's where I'll be turning a major curve in my feelings toward this man. Had he shown up and spent time, I probably would have missed him more, because there is nothing more attractive than a man caring for his children. On the other side of that coin, there is nothing more infuriating and disgusting than a man who ignores his children, especially on a holiday that he was welcomed to with open arms. I have no clue how he'll twist this into something that was my fault or my problem. It wasn't. I was more than happy to step away and allow him to enjoy Christmas day with his kids for a few hours. But to him, "it's just a day". Keep telling yourself that. It isn't just a day, I can remember Christmas's for years past, but I cannot remember a March 19th. I can't remember all of my birthdays. I remember Christmas and Thanksgiving. Both of which he's missed this year for his own selfish reasons.
This is where I tell myself, "he was always this way and you ignored it." He's always been selfish and I'm only seeing it now. I need to pull it together and address the things that make me angry and sad and let them go. I want to move forward and be happy and whole. And I'll be there for my kids because he most likely will not be.

I miss him

Everyday I miss him. Most nights I wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, see he isn't there and start to cry. After eight months you would think this stopped. It hasn't. My soul hurts when I think about him and how he's never coming back. It's like I'm waiting to wake up from a bad dream and start all over again. That isn't happening. Intellectually I know it isn't happening and I wish my heart would catch on. I'm afraid to move on and have him come back. I'm afraid to stay here and never have him return. I'm afraid to move on and have him never come back. I'm just afraid of everything.

Aren't you so nice?

I took my children to buy my soon to be ex-husband Christmas presents today. I'm sure many will disagree that this was even necessary, given the fact that last year, while we were still together he put no thought into a gift for me and brought home dollar store pajamas, but I did it anyway. Two of my close friends, their husbands, and my mother all said "well, aren't you nice to do that." Realistically, I wanted to wrap up a box of condoms and the address to planned Parenthood to give just from me, so I'm not as nice as they think. Is it really an act of kindness to force myself to help my children get a gift for their father that they love? Yes. But not for him, for them. I picture them proudly smiling while they hand over the dishevelled wrap job on their three little gifts and hearing him say "thank you". I'm sure he'll say it's me trying to "win him back" but I'm just trying to keep these little people happy. They love to give, and I don't want them to feel uncomfortable if they don't have anything for Daddy to open during their 2nd Christmas. So I swallow my pride and use all my Kohl's cash and patience to do what matters most, make my kids happy.

A letter to my husband's new girlfriend

When I first got with my husband there was a woman just like me telling me to get away from him. She told me that he was abandoning her and her child and that it would be me one day too. She was warning me and trying to save me from the inevitable heartbreak and sadness she could foresee but I could not. She did it in a way that was crude and harsh, and at the age of 22, I didn't give a fuck what someone else said anyway. So I stayed and called her crazy, he and I would laugh at her bat-shit crazy behavior. We left the state and never looked back at the children (yes, two, two different women, big red flag) that he was leaving behind. I feel so utterly guilty today for assisting in his bad behavior. I've since apologized to the woman I used to make fun of, I've told her all of my wrongs and luckily she has forgiven me. I hope you don't end up with regrets as I have. I hope you would be disgusted if you knew how much he is choosing you over his children because as a mother yourself, you wouldn't want it done to your kids. I'd never again date a man like my husband. I'd never date a man that bad mouths his ex-wife regardless of what happened. I know he tells you how awful I was, I wasn't the best, but he wasn't so great either. You'll see in due time, hopefully not. I hope you are lucky enough to get out of it without kids involved because I'll be even more jealous if you get to walk away from him without strings. I hope he never hurts you in the same way that myself and several others have experienced. As a woman, I feel we should be building each other up and sticking together, so instead of wishing you ill, I wish you the best. I'll be here when you need someone who "gets it" and need comfort and support. I'll greet you with open arms and a box of tissues, and we'll get through it. I hope this doesn't happen because I do not wish the way I feel on anyone, especially you. Good luck.

Adjustments are bullshit

I hate the amount of time that I spend googling things like "how to adjust to divorce", "how to move on after he leaves you", and "getting my husband back from the other woman". It's obsessive and embarrassing. I know all the answers by now; take time for you and discover who you are, don't contact him EVER, and (my personal favorite *sarcasm*) "grief is a process, you just have to go through it". I guess it is the researcher in me that wants to find the answer from someone else who has done the experiment and can give me a timeline and date. Sadly, there is no date, there is no timeline. You just bounce between being ok and being miserable day by day. In my case, I know he's sleeping at her house (only when he doesn't have my kids because you bet your sweet ass I would be in court with him for bringing her around them when we aren't divorced) and helping care for her kids while I raise mine alone. I wish I knew exactly why that makes my blood boil as bad as it does. Maybe because he rarely helped me with the kids unless I was crying that I was overwhelmed. Maybe it's because he begged and pleaded for the house and I moved out and now he's never fucking home. Maybe it's because I find myself utterly exhausted without anyone to turn to for help in times where they are sick, or like last night when LL just didn't feel like sleeping from 1-4am then got back up at 730. (Did you know that operating on less than 5 hours sleep is like being drunk? Look it up) Maybe I'm jealous. Maybe I still miss him even when everyone tells me not to. Maybe I miss the feeling of having someone kiss me and hold me while I sleep. The secret to getting over it? Just cry whenever you want and set a timer for 10 minutes. Once the ten minutes is up, wipe your face, blow your nose and find something to do. I hate the cliche shit like "workout or find a new hobby" fuck that. I go have a cigarette and sip some coffee and try to think about what I want my life to look like without him. I try to remember all the times I would daydream about living alone when I was older. My brain was trying to go to a place to keep me from completely falling apart once the inevitable happened. Now that it's happened, my heart is trying to take center stage, and that bitch needs to STFU. Oh and the next time you feel really blue and sad? Remember Russell Brand ended his marriage to Katy Perry through a fucking text and never spoke to her again. She got the text when she was ABOUT TO GO ONSTAGE and that chick pulled herself together and did the damn thing. Surely, I can write a paper and make it to car rider on time.

The ex-chef wife life

No longer the chef wife. I'll soon be the chef ex-wife. Divorce is a terrible time, and harder when you end up alone while he finds a new girlfriend 0.000002185 seconds after you separate. You start to wonder where you went wrong, how you failed, how you can fix it, and "what the fuck am I supposed to do now?" I had gone back to school a year and a half ago, and good thing I did because now I'm almost done with the first part of my degree. I can apply to take the GRE and get into a master's program. But despite this, I feel empty, broken, and depressed a majority of the time. My marriage wasn't the best, but it was mine. It's odd I wrote it that way, it should read it was ours. But it wasn't really ours. He wasn't putting his part into it for a long time. I did the work and I made the sacrifices while he kept doing what he wanted. I wished I had married someone who I thought my ex was. I wish I had made better choices. Now here I am, back in my parent's house, living a life that reads somewhat like a teenager and somewhat like a SAHM. I spend a lot of time thinking about what my next steps are, and obsessing about the fact that he moved on so quickly, leaving me weeping and trying to care for three very needy kids. I barely meet my own needs most days. I should be finishing a paper but here I am, sitting in my daughter's room, listening to a sleep-story, and typing this. I'd give anything to have him come back and get our family back together, but it has been 8 months of him telling me "no" and me begging. It's very embarrassing the amount of begging I've done. I wish I hadn't done that, and focused on myself more. I spent 13 years focusing on this man and our children and how to keep them all happy. I was sad then, I'm sadder now. Intellectually I know I'll get through this, but it isn't happening fast enough.