Adjustments are bullshit

I hate the amount of time that I spend googling things like "how to adjust to divorce", "how to move on after he leaves you", and "getting my husband back from the other woman". It's obsessive and embarrassing. I know all the answers by now; take time for you and discover who you are, don't contact him EVER, and (my personal favorite *sarcasm*) "grief is a process, you just have to go through it". I guess it is the researcher in me that wants to find the answer from someone else who has done the experiment and can give me a timeline and date. Sadly, there is no date, there is no timeline. You just bounce between being ok and being miserable day by day. In my case, I know he's sleeping at her house (only when he doesn't have my kids because you bet your sweet ass I would be in court with him for bringing her around them when we aren't divorced) and helping care for her kids while I raise mine alone. I wish I knew exactly why that makes my blood boil as bad as it does. Maybe because he rarely helped me with the kids unless I was crying that I was overwhelmed. Maybe it's because he begged and pleaded for the house and I moved out and now he's never fucking home. Maybe it's because I find myself utterly exhausted without anyone to turn to for help in times where they are sick, or like last night when LL just didn't feel like sleeping from 1-4am then got back up at 730. (Did you know that operating on less than 5 hours sleep is like being drunk? Look it up) Maybe I'm jealous. Maybe I still miss him even when everyone tells me not to. Maybe I miss the feeling of having someone kiss me and hold me while I sleep. The secret to getting over it? Just cry whenever you want and set a timer for 10 minutes. Once the ten minutes is up, wipe your face, blow your nose and find something to do. I hate the cliche shit like "workout or find a new hobby" fuck that. I go have a cigarette and sip some coffee and try to think about what I want my life to look like without him. I try to remember all the times I would daydream about living alone when I was older. My brain was trying to go to a place to keep me from completely falling apart once the inevitable happened. Now that it's happened, my heart is trying to take center stage, and that bitch needs to STFU. Oh and the next time you feel really blue and sad? Remember Russell Brand ended his marriage to Katy Perry through a fucking text and never spoke to her again. She got the text when she was ABOUT TO GO ONSTAGE and that chick pulled herself together and did the damn thing. Surely, I can write a paper and make it to car rider on time.