Thursday, May 12, 2016

How to potty train a toddler

1) Pick a date. Make sticker charts and buy M&Ms and cheerios. You got this, how hard can it be?

2) After several days with out success draw the hard line, "underwear only, pull ups are obviously the major problem here"
You know you have a Pull-ups problem when people start mailing them to you.
Also, for the record, the kid pictured is NOT the one I'm training. Crap away tiny baby.
3) After several hours of mopping every floor of your home, return to the pull ups. Remind your toddler that they need to go potty and to keep the pull up drier than your floors. Pour yourself some wine and eat the rest of the M&Ms, tomorrow everyone will do better.

4) Give up potty training for several weeks. Return to diapers and whenever anyone asks you how its going retort, "I'm just not ready for my baby to grow up yet. These days are numbered and I want to savor every moment. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Housework will always be there, babies grow quickly. Other annoying phrases people say to new mothers that annoy the shit out of me." Curse loudly while you change nasty toddler poops.

5) Pick a new date. Download an app and get the husband involved in this adventure. He'll buy "poop coins" which are those gold covered chocolates from the front counter of CVS. It's like he didn't even fucking notice your M&M plan, but whatever.
Shut your lying mouth
6) Watch as your toddler strains to poop 2 little nuggets to obtain poop coins. Husband will smugly look at you as if he just invented the fucking wheel. Hide all resentment. This will happen at least 8 times the first day, continue to change pee pee diapers.

7) At 6am you will get the brilliant idea of "naked time" (thanks pinterest). Remove all clothing and "let them experience the sensations of their body". Feel the anxiety that rises whenever they go anywhere near your furniture.

8) At 9am return to diapers and clothing. Google when your local liquor store opens. Pack everyone in the car when you realize they open at 9am and be thankful you can make it in and out of there before the lunchtime/naptime meltdowns occur. Wash the toys that were involved in the great pooptastrophe of 2016.

9) Offer 2 poop coins for poop and 1 for pee

10) Run out of poop coins.

11) Declare poop coins a thing of the past.

12) Change poopy diapers for several weeks. Curse life. Enjoy Seagram's 7 and 7up.

13) Leave child with your mother in law for a weekend. Surely she has some type of grandma powers that will make your child potty like a champ. Hope for the best. Nap. Become irritated to hear that the little shit told her he had to pee while riding all the escalators at the mall and stayed dry all day. Hope that this is the beginning of the end.

14) Change poopy diapers from Monday through Thursday. Google the cost of adult diapers and if colleges accept incontinent students. Drink Seagram's straight because you've ran out of patience and 7up.

15) Receive a box of poop coins in the mail from your favorite Aunt. She also sends you a lavender eye pillow that can be placed in the freezer to help "soothe those tired eyes". Purchase straws and drink on the couch with eye pillow in place. Vow to try potty training again Monday.
We're ready for you, Monday!

Tuesday, May 3, 2016


My washing machine was clearly designed by a man... GE is truly in need of some female engineers and I'll show you why...

See?!?! WHY THE BLEACHY COMPARTMENT THINGYMAJIG RIGHT WHERE BOOBIES GO!??! The left boob of approximately 37% of my shirts has a bleach stain. 100% of those shirts are black, gray, or dark purple because my fat ass cannot wear other colors. Thanks a fucking lot GE, now they call me Bleachy Tits! Ok, no one actually calls me that but, I feel like someone would call me that if I spent more than 2 seconds a day dealing with adults. I think GE owes me a $50 gift card so I can go buy replacement Target shirts. 

My mother in law will be here in a couple days to celebrate J and BGs birthdays as well as mothers day. Of course my husband works all weekend so I'll be making myself mothers day breakfast at 530am. I'm thinking we'll have a swanky brunch that includes toaster waffles and strawberry yogurt. Delicious. Then we'll relax by picking tiny crumbs off my floors and wrestling small children into clothing, changing 298492 diapers and finish up the morning with mimosas while everyone takes a nap at 11. Jealous yet? Oh yeah, you are.

My favorite part of having visitors is procrastinating on my cleaning until the day before, then running around like a chicken with my head cut off mopping the floors and hiding things in various closets. That, and the question "when's your husband going to be home?" Which I always know the answer to, a shoulder shrug. #chefwifelife #neverknowwhentheycomingback