Tuesday, May 3, 2016


My washing machine was clearly designed by a man... GE is truly in need of some female engineers and I'll show you why...

See?!?! WHY THE BLEACHY COMPARTMENT THINGYMAJIG RIGHT WHERE BOOBIES GO!??! The left boob of approximately 37% of my shirts has a bleach stain. 100% of those shirts are black, gray, or dark purple because my fat ass cannot wear other colors. Thanks a fucking lot GE, now they call me Bleachy Tits! Ok, no one actually calls me that but, I feel like someone would call me that if I spent more than 2 seconds a day dealing with adults. I think GE owes me a $50 gift card so I can go buy replacement Target shirts. 

My mother in law will be here in a couple days to celebrate J and BGs birthdays as well as mothers day. Of course my husband works all weekend so I'll be making myself mothers day breakfast at 530am. I'm thinking we'll have a swanky brunch that includes toaster waffles and strawberry yogurt. Delicious. Then we'll relax by picking tiny crumbs off my floors and wrestling small children into clothing, changing 298492 diapers and finish up the morning with mimosas while everyone takes a nap at 11. Jealous yet? Oh yeah, you are.

My favorite part of having visitors is procrastinating on my cleaning until the day before, then running around like a chicken with my head cut off mopping the floors and hiding things in various closets. That, and the question "when's your husband going to be home?" Which I always know the answer to, a shoulder shrug. #chefwifelife #neverknowwhentheycomingback

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