The ex-chef wife life

No longer the chef wife. I'll soon be the chef ex-wife. Divorce is a terrible time, and harder when you end up alone while he finds a new girlfriend 0.000002185 seconds after you separate. You start to wonder where you went wrong, how you failed, how you can fix it, and "what the fuck am I supposed to do now?" I had gone back to school a year and a half ago, and good thing I did because now I'm almost done with the first part of my degree. I can apply to take the GRE and get into a master's program. But despite this, I feel empty, broken, and depressed a majority of the time. My marriage wasn't the best, but it was mine. It's odd I wrote it that way, it should read it was ours. But it wasn't really ours. He wasn't putting his part into it for a long time. I did the work and I made the sacrifices while he kept doing what he wanted. I wished I had married someone who I thought my ex was. I wish I had made better choices. Now here I am, back in my parent's house, living a life that reads somewhat like a teenager and somewhat like a SAHM. I spend a lot of time thinking about what my next steps are, and obsessing about the fact that he moved on so quickly, leaving me weeping and trying to care for three very needy kids. I barely meet my own needs most days. I should be finishing a paper but here I am, sitting in my daughter's room, listening to a sleep-story, and typing this. I'd give anything to have him come back and get our family back together, but it has been 8 months of him telling me "no" and me begging. It's very embarrassing the amount of begging I've done. I wish I hadn't done that, and focused on myself more. I spent 13 years focusing on this man and our children and how to keep them all happy. I was sad then, I'm sadder now. Intellectually I know I'll get through this, but it isn't happening fast enough.